Tomato
Oh, hello, nurse! Oh, my goodness! I'd forgotten it was your day to visit. Is it really Wednesday already? Come in, come in! Have a seat. Can I get you some coffee? Of course, I forgot. You always say no. As you can see, I've lost track of what day it is, but honestly, that's just fine by me. Life has been so much livelier since you took me off that awful medication. Oh, you know I hated the stuff. It helped with my faculties, sure, but it took all the zip right out of me. “A life you can't live just ain't worth living.” That's what my daddy used to say when he was my age and, by God, that man was wise! But my, my! Isn't it lucky I'm home just now to receive you. I went out this morning, you know. All by myself, too. First time in months. I was just so full of energy and pep that I decided to go to the supermarket see what was on sale. I was wandering around, looking over the fruits and vegetables, when I suddenly spied the most remarkable-looking tomato plant just sitting there in someone's cart. I knew it was a tomato plant because it had a big, juicy pink tomato sitting right at the top. Seeing that delicious tomato made me think of something my grandson was telling me about recently. Apparently, some fellow on the internets figured out that you can cook a tomato and rice in one of those rice cookers, all at the same time. He said it makes its own sauce almost. Well, that thought was making me so hungry, I nearly started drooling right there in the store. I remembered I had rice at home, and my grandson had given me one of those rice cookers a while back. Finding such a nice tomato was a sure sign that I should try that recipe, especially now that I’ve been feeling so much better. I looked around to see where the other shopper might have gotten the plant, but I couldn't find anything else like it in the store. I tried to content myself with the tomatoes they had in the bin, but none were quite as good-looking as the one that sat on top of that plant. I just had to have it. Oh, it wasn't very ethical, I know, but as soon as the shopper wandered away from her cart, I reached in and took it. Scooped up the whole plant, just like that. It was clearly the last one the store had! I couldn't just let someone else take it! After that, I was so excited to have the plant that I just walked right out with it and forgot to pay. Oh, I know it sounds terrible, but believe me. I intend to march straight back to that store first thing tomorrow and make amends, so don’t you worry about that. Anyway, when I got home, I started thinking. I figured the tomato was pink because it wasn't quite ripe yet, so I put it by my sunniest window, hoping it would ripen in time for dinner. Well, wouldn't you know it? Not a moment later, I hear such a terrible noise. Nearly scared the life out of me! I poked my head in to check on the plant. The tomato on top had turned a bright red. The sound I heard must have been its alarm or something, telling me that it was ripe. It’s amazing what they can do with technology now! They can put a man on the moon, and alarms in tomato plants! I was delighted, of course, because this meant I could fix it for lunch instead of having to wait for dinner! I picked up the plant and the alarm got louder. It was so loud it was making the plant shake and move. The situation was very peculiar! I could barely hold on to it as I carried it over to my kitchen counter. Took a few good hard whacks with my skillet to get it to stop. Of course, I made sure not to hit the tomato. That would have been a terrible waste. After all that, I would have expected the tomato to come off easily, especially seeing as it was ripe, but I ended up having to cut it off. Well, hack it off, more like. Hadn't used that old meat cleaver in quite some time, so naturally, I was out of practice. This arm'll probably be sore tomorrow. But, all's well that ends well, so I threw the tomato and some rice in my cooker, cleaned up all the juice I'd spilled, and was just about to make myself a nice cup of tea when you rang the bell. I'll bet you can smell it cooking now. Well, sure you can go have a look in the cooker. Just don't leave the lid off for too long. Well, why are you screaming, dear? Surely my cooking's not that bad! Category:Mental Illness Category:Dismemberment Category:Jdeschene